A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman.
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment, ran his hands over the box and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Friday, February 20, 2009
Lemon Juice
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said,
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said,
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know any thing else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shithead...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know any thing else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shithead...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
The Motorcycle Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmm, you may have some good points there,'replied God,'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmm, you may have some good points there,'replied God,'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Seven Kinds Of Sex ...
The 1st kind of sex is called .....Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until
you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say .. 'Fuck You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife
any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ....
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until
you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say .. 'Fuck You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife
any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ....
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
The Monkey & The Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuck.......how much water did you drink
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuck.......how much water did you drink
Best little convent in Texas
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man to knock on
this door. He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs him to place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. He
gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man to knock on
this door. He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs him to place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. He
gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
NEW OFFICE POLICY
EFFECTIVE 1 st of Jan 2009
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
The Organist
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing
to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
Fortitude Valley a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent the spread of disease . and you know...................
I haven't had a cold all winter."
married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing
to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
Fortitude Valley a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent the spread of disease . and you know...................
I haven't had a cold all winter."
Lil' Johnny
Lil' Johnny and Jenny
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith..
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month and that should
do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that
Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."
Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith..
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month and that should
do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that
Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."
Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Cyber sex?
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
10 great comebacks for women
Thought these might come in handy one day!!
WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HIM: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice .
HIM: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HER: I must've been given your share.
HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.
ER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
HER: Okay, get out.
HIM: I think I could make you very happy.
HER: Why? Are you leaving?
HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HIM: Can I have your name?
HER: Why? Don't you already have one?
HIM: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Hiding from you.
HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HIM: Is this seat empty?
HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
HIM: So, what do you do for a living?
HER: I'm a female impersonator.
HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?
HER: Do not enter.
HIM: Your body is like a temple.
HER: Sorry, there are no services today .
HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HIM: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice .
HIM: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HER: I must've been given your share.
HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.
ER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
HER: Okay, get out.
HIM: I think I could make you very happy.
HER: Why? Are you leaving?
HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HIM: Can I have your name?
HER: Why? Don't you already have one?
HIM: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Hiding from you.
HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HIM: Is this seat empty?
HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
HIM: So, what do you do for a living?
HER: I'm a female impersonator.
HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?
HER: Do not enter.
HIM: Your body is like a temple.
HER: Sorry, there are no services today .
HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude
and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my
fault."
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude
and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my
fault."
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took
the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted
out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United
States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have
also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took
the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted
out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United
States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have
also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,! calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.!
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady..
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,! calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.!
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady..
Wish I was 8
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide,
* The Wall of Fear,
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* Every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink,
and her favourite lollies and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*#?*n twit!"
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide,
* The Wall of Fear,
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* Every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink,
and her favourite lollies and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*#?*n twit!"
Great Hearted Husband
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in
their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?
How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother
of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,
at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest."
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home
this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed
up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;
the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a
shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since
she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't
wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my
sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door.When we got to the door she
turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,
she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?
How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother
of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,
at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest."
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home
this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed
up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;
the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a
shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since
she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't
wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my
sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door.When we got to the door she
turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,
she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
His & Her diaries
HER DIARY
"Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and seemed absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster."
HIS DIARY
"I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid."
"Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and seemed absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster."
HIS DIARY
"I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid."
An oldie, but worth another read..
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
The Winnipeg Brothel
Aunt Mabel opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir,Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No.I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then,Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour,the man calmly left .
The next night,the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session,Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Westbank, B.C."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Westbank,
B.C."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!!
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir,Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No.I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then,Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour,the man calmly left .
The next night,the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session,Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Westbank, B.C."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Westbank,
B.C."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!!
Golf can be dangerous
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
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