A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th
anniversary.
"Ha!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the
day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust
her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!"
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued.
"Before we got married, this was your hope chest.
On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest.
Afterwards it became our family chest... and if you don't buy
me a fur coat... it will soon become
*The Community Chest!"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Training Courses for Women.
Most women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now
available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
My golf passion is destroyed
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
Disappointed I went back into the house, and sneaked back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf. :(
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
Disappointed I went back into the house, and sneaked back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf. :(
Thursday, July 22, 2010
'Best Come Back Line Ever.'*
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
LUBRICANT
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He
brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a
little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just
had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then
the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor
then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!!
She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then
the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said
to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You
never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home
with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you
remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1
Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you,
......it's a dam good ting we didn't use WD-40.
brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a
little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just
had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then
the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor
then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!!
She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then
the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said
to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You
never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home
with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you
remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1
Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you,
......it's a dam good ting we didn't use WD-40.
MALE-or-FEMALE
A SPANISH Teacher was
explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is
feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What
gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be
a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer'
should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest
mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you
make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
(THIS GETS
BETTER!)
The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'),
because:
1. In
order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;
2. They
have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
3. They
are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to
one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.
explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is
feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What
gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be
a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer'
should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest
mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you
make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
(THIS GETS
BETTER!)
The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'),
because:
1. In
order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;
2. They
have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
3. They
are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to
one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.
Alcohol-Bad for the legs!
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who is sitting by herself.
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread’
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread’
The Female brain thinks differently
Last night Harry and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.
He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'. . .
His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him.....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whisky, rum, gin, vodka and the beer in the fridge...
He ALMOST DIED!!
The 2 moral of this story
1.. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's
He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'. . .
His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him.....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whisky, rum, gin, vodka and the beer in the fridge...
He ALMOST DIED!!
The 2 moral of this story
1.. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's
Sunday, July 11, 2010
'Best Come Back Line Ever.'*
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
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