Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day, teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 :
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Ya think she is sending a message??
By all Means... MARRY!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a
philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
MiltonBerle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a
philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
MiltonBerle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Mens Rules
We always hear " the Rules " from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other < /SPAN>way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will b e scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other < /SPAN>way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will b e scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
SMART ARSE ANSWERS ~2008~
* 6th Place *
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
* 5th Place *
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
* 4th Place *
A lady was picking through the frozen chooks at Woolies but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
* 3rd Place *
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
* 2nd Place goes to Truckie Glenn Moynihan !!*
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
*_SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008_*
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' !!
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
* 5th Place *
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
* 4th Place *
A lady was picking through the frozen chooks at Woolies but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
* 3rd Place *
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
* 2nd Place goes to Truckie Glenn Moynihan !!*
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
*_SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008_*
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' !!
THE 11'th HUSBAND
the 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Friday, March 20, 2009
No Sex Tonight
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement..
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement..
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Loving Wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
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