Please read this joke... Which is really smart, Intelligent
And Out of the box...!!!
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,"Boy. What is your problem?"
Boy answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
The teacher had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told her he would give the boy a test
And if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
"I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade."
The teacher says to the principal,
"I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?"
The principal and the boy both agreed.
Teacher;
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Boy, after a moment,
"Legs."
Teacher:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.:
"Pockets."
Teacher:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:
Coconut!
Teacher:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide And
Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:
Bubble-gum.
Teacher:
What does a man do standing up,
A woman does sitting down and
A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:
Shake hands.
Teacher:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:
Wedding Ring.
Teacher:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well,
I drip.
When you blow me,
You feel good.
Boy.:
Nose.
Teacher:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:
Arrow.
Teacher:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:
Fire-truck.
Teacher:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& If you don't get it,
You have to use your hand.
Boy.:
Fork.
Teacher:
What is it that all men have one of,
it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his
And a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:
SURNAME.
Teacher:
What part of the man has no bone
But has muscles,
Has lots of veins,
Like pumping,
& Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:
HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And Said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to grade 5,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Nine sayings women use...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a golfing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a golfing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
:-) Read all the way...
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & cold beer
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & cold beer
The Philosophy of Sex
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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
Monday, November 17, 2008
This Year's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Pater at the pearly gates. " In honor of this season" Saint Peter said "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
Australian Poetry
Australian Poetry
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old Aboriginal Gentleman.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the Word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan, Men on
camels two by two, destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old Aboriginal Gentleman top that they thought.
The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three wh0res in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
The old Aboriginal won :-)
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old Aboriginal Gentleman.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the Word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to
the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan, Men on
camels two by two, destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old Aboriginal Gentleman top that they thought.
The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three wh0res in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
The old Aboriginal won :-)
TALENTED PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes ! Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my Perch
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes ! Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my Perch
A LETTER FROM INSIDE
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
THE OLD MAN'S DAM
THE OLD MAN'S DAM
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several
years.
He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up with nice picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't
Been there for a while, to look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
In his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked.
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: "Old men might walk slowly, but they can still think fast."
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several
years.
He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up with nice picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't
Been there for a while, to look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
In his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked.
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
Moral: "Old men might walk slowly, but they can still think fast."
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Vasectomy
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse
comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while
they wait for the doctor.
A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under
one man's gown and begins to manipulate him.
Shocked he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm
from your system to have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and
enjoys it as she completes her task. The second man is watching and he
is quite ready for his turn.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, and gives
him a blow job. The first man says,"Hey,
what is this?
Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a
blow job?"
The nurse says,
"THAT, MY DEAR, IS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN PRIVATE INSURANCE AND MEDICARE"
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse
comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while
they wait for the doctor.
A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under
one man's gown and begins to manipulate him.
Shocked he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm
from your system to have a clean procedure."
Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and
enjoys it as she completes her task. The second man is watching and he
is quite ready for his turn.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, and gives
him a blow job. The first man says,"Hey,
what is this?
Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a
blow job?"
The nurse says,
"THAT, MY DEAR, IS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN PRIVATE INSURANCE AND MEDICARE"
The Darwin Awards
Its that time of year again. As you probably already know, the Darwin awards
are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal)
stupidity. They are now in for 2006.
Firstly, the runners-up:
RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
RUNNER-UP A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a
crime committed?)
RUNNER-UP A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
Mother-Stickers--This is a F***-up! For a moment, everyone was silent. Then
the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over
laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his
gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put
a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this
is a ****-up!"
RUNNER-UP Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas The whole event was caught on videotape.
RUNNER-UP As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
RUNNER-UP Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the
chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They
were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline
from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up
next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Now THIS YEAR'S RUNAWAY WINNER IS......When his 38-calibre Revolver failed
to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,
would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He
peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal)
stupidity. They are now in for 2006.
Firstly, the runners-up:
RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
RUNNER-UP A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see
how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a
crime committed?)
RUNNER-UP A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
Mother-Stickers--This is a F***-up! For a moment, everyone was silent. Then
the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over
laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his
gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put
a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this
is a ****-up!"
RUNNER-UP Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas The whole event was caught on videotape.
RUNNER-UP As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
RUNNER-UP Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the
chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They
were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline
from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up
next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Now THIS YEAR'S RUNAWAY WINNER IS......When his 38-calibre Revolver failed
to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,
would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He
peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him pancakes.! That should solve the problem ."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom!" he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him pancakes.! That should solve the problem ."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom!" he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Teen Age Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He
then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating
Susan!! "
was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He
then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating
Susan!! "
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his nameis Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and
says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his nameis Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and
says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
I BELIEVE
Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
**********************************
I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they
Don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean
They do.
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that
Friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
You every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest
Distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you
Heartache for life.
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want
To be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It
May be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when
It needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have
The best time.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
Down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences
You've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
Birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't
Stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who
We are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could
Change your life Forever.
I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
Totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people
Who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a
Friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human
Being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from
You too soon.
I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that you believe
In. I just did
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the best of everything they have.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
**********************************
I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they
Don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean
They do.
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that
Friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
You every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest
Distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you
Heartache for life.
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want
To be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It
May be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when
It needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have
The best time.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
Down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences
You've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
Birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't
Stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who
We are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could
Change your life Forever.
I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
Totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people
Who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a
Friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human
Being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from
You too soon.
I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that you believe
In. I just did
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the best of everything they have.
The Hairdryer & the Priest
Getting a hairdryer through customs, a distinguished young woman on a
flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask you a
favour?"
"Of course, child, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hairdryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through
customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer was strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is,to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask you a
favour?"
"Of course, child, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hairdryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through
customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer was strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is,to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Cats-N-Dawgs
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
> D A M N I T O L
> Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
>hours.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
> you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
>till they
> moved out.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
> unconscious for up to two days.
>
>
>
>
>
> P E P T O B I M B O
> Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
> before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
>and
> prevents conception.
>
>
>
>
>
> D U M B E R O L
> When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
> in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> F L I P I T O R
> Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
> the urge to flip off other drivers.
>
>
>
>
>
> M E N I C I L L I N
> Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
> lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
>
>
>
>
>
> BUYAGRA
> Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
> duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
>
>
>
>
>
> J A C K A S S P I R I N
> Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
> anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
>
>
>
>
>
> A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
> to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
>
>
>
>
>
> N A G A M E N T
> When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
> irritation level as nagging him.
>
>
>
>
> Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who
> can handle it.
> Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
>hours.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
> Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
> you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
>till they
> moved out.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
> Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
> unconscious for up to two days.
>
>
>
>
>
> P E P T O B I M B O
> Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
> before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
>and
> prevents conception.
>
>
>
>
>
> D U M B E R O L
> When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
> in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> F L I P I T O R
> Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
> the urge to flip off other drivers.
>
>
>
>
>
> M E N I C I L L I N
> Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
> lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
>
>
>
>
>
> BUYAGRA
> Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
> duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
>
>
>
>
>
> J A C K A S S P I R I N
> Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
> anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
>
>
>
>
>
> A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
> A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
> to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
>
>
>
>
>
> N A G A M E N T
> When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
> irritation level as nagging him.
>
>
>
>
> Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who
> can handle it.
REDNECK LOVE POEM
JAMIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, JAMIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO JAMIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY."
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, JAMIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO JAMIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY."
Confession and penance
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman. The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment, ran his hands over the box and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
almost had an affair with another woman. The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment, ran his hands over the box and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Laughter therapy : One liners...
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
OUCH!!
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few
laughs?and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids?and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is
the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my
pride and joy, I am very proud of him.
He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction
company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son? The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible,
what a disappointment you must feel.
The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
laughs?and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids?and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is
the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my
pride and joy, I am very proud of him.
He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction
company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son? The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible,
what a disappointment you must feel.
The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
WHY WOMEN ARE THE BEST...!
WHY WOMEN ARE THE BEST...!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an early morning
business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH ANDTO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an early morning
business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH ANDTO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
If you ever feel a little bit stupid
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did !!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did !!
Faddah & The Pilot
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in goggles, a loud t-shirt, mud- spattered jeans and a daring attitude.
Saint Peter addresses the cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Desai, retired Indian Airlines Pilot from New Delhi'.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot enters heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena, California, for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' OK, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?'
'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed'.
Saint Peter addresses the cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Desai, retired Indian Airlines Pilot from New Delhi'.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot enters heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena, California, for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' OK, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?'
'Up here, we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached, people slept. When he flew, people prayed'.
five simple rules to be happy
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW .............
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW .............
The donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**
**************************************************
The donkey later came back,and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**
**************************************************
The donkey later came back,and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________ ______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________ ______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Little Johnny
A Junior School teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
"E-G-G".
"Very good", says the teacher.
Ali Pasha says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T".
"Excellent."
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
"I had fuck all", he says, "F-U-C-K A-L-L".
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Israel. Ali Pasha is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?"
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast".
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
"E-G-G".
"Very good", says the teacher.
Ali Pasha says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T".
"Excellent."
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
"I had fuck all", he says, "F-U-C-K A-L-L".
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Israel. Ali Pasha is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?"
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast".
WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here' s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name
For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US is in trouble!
A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the US is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (on an Airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the Passport information, then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts
Without Trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .' Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'
(Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude! After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'
10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I Asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York . 'I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could some people be this IGNORANT?
YES,......THEY WALK AMONG US....AND CONTINUE TO BREED...and THEY VOTE!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (on an Airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the Passport information, then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts
Without Trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .' Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'
(Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude! After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'
10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I Asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York . 'I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could some people be this IGNORANT?
YES,......THEY WALK AMONG US....AND CONTINUE TO BREED...and THEY VOTE!
Parvez and Habib are London beggars
Parvez and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas ofthe West End Habib begs just as long as Parvez but only collects 2 to3 pounds every day.
Parvez brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drivesa Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money tospend.
Habib says to Parvez 'I work just as long and hard asyou do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes everyday?'
Parvez says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids tosupport'.
'Parvez says', No wonder you only get £2-3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvez shows Habib his sign..................................
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '
Parvez brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drivesa Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money tospend.
Habib says to Parvez 'I work just as long and hard asyou do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes everyday?'
Parvez says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids tosupport'.
'Parvez says', No wonder you only get £2-3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvez shows Habib his sign..................................
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
notty poetry
. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
7.. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
7.. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
Women drivers!!
This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Holden (GM) Calais
Doing 110 kms per hr
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eye-liner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that make-up.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Darn women drivers!!
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Holden (GM) Calais
Doing 110 kms per hr
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eye-liner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that make-up.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Darn women drivers!!
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like
bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
EVER WONDER ... ???
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair,but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid >made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why >don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why the sun lightens our hair,but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid >made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why >don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Husbands and Wives
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without >Information Fighting Everytime'!"
****Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!" ********
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "
6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you >control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without >Information Fighting Everytime'!"
****Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!" ********
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "
6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you >control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."
Birthday Clock
YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOCK...FUN FOR EVERYONE...
It tells you how many hours and how many seconds you have been alive on this earth and when you were probably conceived. This is cool. After you've finished reading the info, click again, and see what the moon looked like the night you were born. This is neat. Who says our time clocks aren't ticking....
Enjoy and have a fantastic day!!!
Click this:
BIRTHDAY CALCULATOR
YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOCK...FUN FOR EVERYONE...
It tells you how many hours and how many seconds you have been alive on this earth and when you were probably conceived. This is cool. After you've finished reading the info, click again, and see what the moon looked like the night you were born. This is neat. Who says our time clocks aren't ticking....
Enjoy and have a fantastic day!!!
Click this:
BIRTHDAY CALCULATOR
Dave the hen
Dave the hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed.
'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned.
'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed.
'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned.
'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
Today I Will Make A Difference
Today I Will Make A Difference
Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of their thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.
I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.
I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble - I will get up. It's OK to fail - I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.
I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.
Today I will make a difference.
Max Lucado
From On The Anvil
Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of their thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.
I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.
I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble - I will get up. It's OK to fail - I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.
I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.
Today I will make a difference.
Max Lucado
From On The Anvil
40 Tips for Better Life - 2008
40 Tips for Better Life - 2008
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is
the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have
to.
3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
purpose is to __________ today.'
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They
provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is
manufactured in plants.
11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan
salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and
flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest
your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are
simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class
but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a
college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: In five years will
this matter?
26. Forgive everyone for everything.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. GOD heals almost everything.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.
Stay in touch.
31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
33. The best is yet to come.
34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
35. Do the right thing!
36. Call your family often.
37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I
am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed!
39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly
don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the
most of it and enjoy the ride.
40. Please share this to everyone you care about.
May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but
happiness come through your door.
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is
the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have
to.
3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My
purpose is to __________ today.'
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They
provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is
manufactured in plants.
11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan
salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and
flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest
your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are
simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class
but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a
college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: In five years will
this matter?
26. Forgive everyone for everything.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. GOD heals almost everything.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.
Stay in touch.
31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
33. The best is yet to come.
34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
35. Do the right thing!
36. Call your family often.
37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I
am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed!
39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly
don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the
most of it and enjoy the ride.
40. Please share this to everyone you care about.
May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but
happiness come through your door.
Traveling Through Life – Dr.John C. Maxwell
Traveling Through Life – Dr.John C. Maxwell
Tip #1: Travel Light. - You can always tell the difference between an
experienced traveler and a new one… by the size of their luggage. John
mentioned that too many people travel through life with a lot of emotional
baggage, which they’ve not yet learned to let go.
Traveling light is about finding your priorities… carrying only the
essential
stuff… Oh yes… and asking for forgiveness along the way.
Tip #2: Take someone with you - Life is about relationships. Isn’t it
awfully
lonely to travel through life alone?
Maybe you’ve been hurt before, but that doesn’t mean that you should close
your
heart. It only means that you know the characteristics you don’t want in a
partner/friend.
Let time heal your heart and then find someone to travel through life with.
Tip #3: Follow The Road Map - Have a game plan. If you do not know where
you
are going, then how can you hope to get there?
It is important to know where you are (A) by doing self-reflection everyday
and
where you want to go (B) by setting goals… but do not succumb to
“destination
disease”.Life is not only about reaching B. Life HAPPENS between A and B!
Enjoy
the journey…
Tip #4: Take The High Road -”Those who are instruments of grace to others
become recipients of grace to themselves”.
John talks about the necessity of having a life stance - your overall frame
of
reference - your attitude, assumptions and expectations of yourself, others
around you and life.
Taking the high road means that you do not keep score. You learn to forgive
others and do your best to help the people around you.
Tip #5: Stop And Ask For Directions -Most people are too stubborn or proud
to
do that. They would rather go around in circles than stop to ask someone
for
directions.
Remember that no matter the direction you are heading, it’s very likely
that
someone else has already been there and done that. Be prepared to ask for
advice… and shortcut your learning curve.
Tip #6: Make A U-Turn When Needed -”Life is the art of drawing without an
eraser.” You can’t turn back time when you have made a mistake… but you
can
change directions and make a U-turn before it’s too late.
Sometimes, we may find ourselves headed into a dead end… the sooner we
realize
we have to make a change and do it, the more likely we will find ourselves
back
on a safe route.
Remember… not changing when you have to may lead to death!
Tip #7: Appreciate The Detours - Life is not a smooth one way street. Along
the
way, you will meet obstacles and challenges. Appreciate and learn to take
the
detours.
I love the way John reframed “Problems”. He said that problems are…
Predictors
Reminders
Opportunities
Blessings
Lessons
Everywhere
Messages
Solvable
Could you see how that can be really empowering?
Tip #8: Take Pictures - Create Memories.
John suggests that you should….
Work like you don’t need the money
Dance like no one is watching
Sing like no one is listening
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Live like it’s heaven on earth
How beautiful is that?
Tip #9: Travel The Extra Mile - And then some…Who knows what you would find
in
that extra mile? Another adventure… A beautiful sight… A lovely
encounter…
An
enchanting lover…
Go the extra mile… it may be worth the whole journey.
Tip #10: Stop To Smell The Roses - Remember not to rush though life… Take
some
time out to appreciate its beauty… Enjoy the butterflies’ dance… and
last
but
not least, be grateful… for everyone and everything in your life.
"The More you Share the More you Grow"
Tip #1: Travel Light. - You can always tell the difference between an
experienced traveler and a new one… by the size of their luggage. John
mentioned that too many people travel through life with a lot of emotional
baggage, which they’ve not yet learned to let go.
Traveling light is about finding your priorities… carrying only the
essential
stuff… Oh yes… and asking for forgiveness along the way.
Tip #2: Take someone with you - Life is about relationships. Isn’t it
awfully
lonely to travel through life alone?
Maybe you’ve been hurt before, but that doesn’t mean that you should close
your
heart. It only means that you know the characteristics you don’t want in a
partner/friend.
Let time heal your heart and then find someone to travel through life with.
Tip #3: Follow The Road Map - Have a game plan. If you do not know where
you
are going, then how can you hope to get there?
It is important to know where you are (A) by doing self-reflection everyday
and
where you want to go (B) by setting goals… but do not succumb to
“destination
disease”.Life is not only about reaching B. Life HAPPENS between A and B!
Enjoy
the journey…
Tip #4: Take The High Road -”Those who are instruments of grace to others
become recipients of grace to themselves”.
John talks about the necessity of having a life stance - your overall frame
of
reference - your attitude, assumptions and expectations of yourself, others
around you and life.
Taking the high road means that you do not keep score. You learn to forgive
others and do your best to help the people around you.
Tip #5: Stop And Ask For Directions -Most people are too stubborn or proud
to
do that. They would rather go around in circles than stop to ask someone
for
directions.
Remember that no matter the direction you are heading, it’s very likely
that
someone else has already been there and done that. Be prepared to ask for
advice… and shortcut your learning curve.
Tip #6: Make A U-Turn When Needed -”Life is the art of drawing without an
eraser.” You can’t turn back time when you have made a mistake… but you
can
change directions and make a U-turn before it’s too late.
Sometimes, we may find ourselves headed into a dead end… the sooner we
realize
we have to make a change and do it, the more likely we will find ourselves
back
on a safe route.
Remember… not changing when you have to may lead to death!
Tip #7: Appreciate The Detours - Life is not a smooth one way street. Along
the
way, you will meet obstacles and challenges. Appreciate and learn to take
the
detours.
I love the way John reframed “Problems”. He said that problems are…
Predictors
Reminders
Opportunities
Blessings
Lessons
Everywhere
Messages
Solvable
Could you see how that can be really empowering?
Tip #8: Take Pictures - Create Memories.
John suggests that you should….
Work like you don’t need the money
Dance like no one is watching
Sing like no one is listening
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Live like it’s heaven on earth
How beautiful is that?
Tip #9: Travel The Extra Mile - And then some…Who knows what you would find
in
that extra mile? Another adventure… A beautiful sight… A lovely
encounter…
An
enchanting lover…
Go the extra mile… it may be worth the whole journey.
Tip #10: Stop To Smell The Roses - Remember not to rush though life… Take
some
time out to appreciate its beauty… Enjoy the butterflies’ dance… and
last
but
not least, be grateful… for everyone and everything in your life.
"The More you Share the More you Grow"
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