Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Things you'd like to say at work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
35. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
35. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
TRUE FRIENDSHIP
Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Remember........A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Remember........A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
New son-in-law
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to
the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to
the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
The old country preacher
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was
getting time the boy should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table three objects: a
Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher
said to himself,
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible,
he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,
he's going to be a businessman, and that would be
okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going
to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and
headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Republican!"
getting time the boy should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table three objects: a
Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher
said to himself,
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible,
he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,
he's going to be a businessman, and that would be
okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going
to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and
headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Republican!"
Lil' Johnny
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The
Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go
think about this and see&nb sp;if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room
only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The
Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go
think about this and see&nb sp;if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room
only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
MOZART BEYOND THE GRAVE
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Current financial crises
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.!
Yours Sincerely,
MANAGEMENT
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.!
Yours Sincerely,
MANAGEMENT
"The Rules " from the Mans point of view
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Mentoring
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sickto my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not
cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly
woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once
did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor
told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well,
just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent
down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sickto my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not
cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly
woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once
did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor
told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well,
just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent
down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
THE FINAL EXAM
THE FINAL EXAM
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all
of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they
decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great
time but after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that
they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up
the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave
them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth
5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking
this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second
page was written...
For 95 points:
Which tire? ________
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all
of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they
decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great
time but after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that
they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up
the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave
them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth
5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking
this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second
page was written...
For 95 points:
Which tire? ________
Only a Canadian can truly appreciate this!
A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?' He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
OH CANADA !
OH CANADA !
Friday, January 9, 2009
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
And then the fight started..
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all,right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,'What was that all about?'
She explained, ........'The egg timer's broken.
And then the fight started..
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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said,'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
Expensive
When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So,.... I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....
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Old Age Pension
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for the Old Age Pension.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Age Pension application.
When I got home,I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all,right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,'What was that all about?'
She explained, ........'The egg timer's broken.
And then the fight started..
************************************************************************************
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said,'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
Expensive
When I got home last night,
My wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So,.... I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....
************************************************************************
Old Age Pension
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for the Old Age Pension.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Age Pension application.
When I got home,I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
Pun....anyone?
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why?,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why?,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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