Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b****ard!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Things that make your scratch your chin and say....hmmmm
� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
WRONG ANSWER
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
Sunday, October 17, 2010
THE COWBOY
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
And threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
And threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THE HEIST
During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt reports to the chief :"Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says: "I told you to cover all exits."
The Sgt replied : "I did, but they got away through the entrance."
The chief, very disappointed, says: "I told you to cover all exits."
The Sgt replied : "I did, but they got away through the entrance."
THE NEW PASTOR
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of... it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of... it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
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