Neil was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little chat.
He said, 'Neil, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Neil. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Neil took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try
these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Neil said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Neil. She said, 'Here -
you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you
never will.'
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.. The contact will then be put
on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.. The contact will then be put
on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
OOPs
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Fred's Surgery
***********
When Fred first noticed his ding a ling was growing larger and staying longer, he was delighted, as was is wife. But after several weeks, it had grown to nearly twenty inches. Fred became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Fred’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Fred be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor.
"Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen his legs AREN'T you?
When Fred first noticed his ding a ling was growing larger and staying longer, he was delighted, as was is wife. But after several weeks, it had grown to nearly twenty inches. Fred became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Fred’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Fred be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor.
"Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen his legs AREN'T you?
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the '60s, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when a patient gets undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the '60s, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when a patient gets undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
I HAVE A QUESTION..
I have a question...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Hollandcalled Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Hollandcalled Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, October 17, 2009
English Grammar Lesson
On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
But then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
But then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Male or Female?** *
You might not have known this, but a lot of
non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
*FREEZER BAGS**: *
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**:*
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TIRES**: *
*Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS**: *
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.*
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES**: *
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
*TRAINS**: *
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.*
*EGG TIMERS**:
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE****CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would** **be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
You might not have known this, but a lot of
non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
*FREEZER BAGS**: *
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**:*
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TIRES**: *
*Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS**: *
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.*
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES**: *
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
*TRAINS**: *
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.*
*EGG TIMERS**:
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE****CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would** **be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
Good dog story
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
Lovers' Lane
A Texas police officer was patrolling very late at night, in a well-known Lovers' Lane spot. He noticed a couple in a car, with the interior light glowing brightly.
The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a beautiful very well built young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window: 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop asked: 'What are you doing?'
The young man answered: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat, the cop asked: 'And her? What is she doing?'
The young man shrugged his shoulders: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night in a Lovers' Lane; and nothing is happening?
The cop asked: 'What's your age young man?'
The young man answered: 'I'm 22, sir.'
Then the cop asked: 'And her? What's her age?'
The young man looked at his watch and replied: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes and 39 seconds, sir.'
The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a beautiful very well built young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window: 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop asked: 'What are you doing?'
The young man answered: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat, the cop asked: 'And her? What is she doing?'
The young man shrugged his shoulders: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night in a Lovers' Lane; and nothing is happening?
The cop asked: 'What's your age young man?'
The young man answered: 'I'm 22, sir.'
Then the cop asked: 'And her? What's her age?'
The young man looked at his watch and replied: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes and 39 seconds, sir.'
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