Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you
could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blo* job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39,
*************************************************************************
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I
wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run
and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in
front
of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46
***********************************************************************
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom
and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he
looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They
came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of
our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture,laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer
look.Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that
in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror
-wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld
*************************************************************************
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if
he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31
************************************************************************
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34
************************************************************************
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but
don't get any.....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they
were laughing so hard!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
JUST FWDED
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs
???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --
**************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
****************************************************************************
****************************************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
*******************************************************************
*******************************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
**********
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs
???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints... --
**************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
****************************************************************************
****************************************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
*******************************************************************
*******************************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Some interesting questions
Please read this joke... Which is really smart, Intelligent
And Out of the box...!!!
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,"Boy. What is your problem?"
Boy answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
The teacher had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told her he would give the boy a test
And if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
"I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade."
The teacher says to the principal,
"I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?"
The principal and the boy both agreed.
Teacher;
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Boy, after a moment,
"Legs."
Teacher:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.:
"Pockets."
Teacher:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:
Coconut!
Teacher:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide And
Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:
Bubble-gum.
Teacher:
What does a man do standing up,
A woman does sitting down and
A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:
Shake hands.
Teacher:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:
Wedding Ring.
Teacher:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well,
I drip.
When you blow me,
You feel good.
Boy.:
Nose.
Teacher:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:
Arrow.
Teacher:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:
Fire-truck.
Teacher:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& If you don't get it,
You have to use your hand.
Boy.:
Fork.
Teacher:
What is it that all men have one of,
it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his
And a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:
SURNAME.
Teacher:
What part of the man has no bone
But has muscles,
Has lots of veins,
Like pumping,
& Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:
HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And Said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to grade 5,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".
And Out of the box...!!!
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,"Boy. What is your problem?"
Boy answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade
And I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
The teacher had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office,
Teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told her he would give the boy a test
And if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
"I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade."
The teacher says to the principal,
"I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?"
The principal and the boy both agreed.
Teacher;
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Boy, after a moment,
"Legs."
Teacher:
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.:
"Pockets."
Teacher:
What starts with a C and ends with a T,
Is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.:
Coconut!
Teacher:
What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide And
Before he could stop the answer,
The boy was taking charge.
Boy.:
Bubble-gum.
Teacher:
What does a man do standing up,
A woman does sitting down and
A dog does on three legs?
The Principal's eyes open really wide
And before, he could stop the answer...
Boy.:
Shake hands.
Teacher:
A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
Boy.:
Wedding Ring.
Teacher:
I come in many sizes.
When I'm not well,
I drip.
When you blow me,
You feel good.
Boy.:
Nose.
Teacher:
I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver..
Boy.:
Arrow.
Teacher:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
That means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.:
Fire-truck.
Teacher:
What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& If you don't get it,
You have to use your hand.
Boy.:
Fork.
Teacher:
What is it that all men have one of,
it's longer on some men than on others,
The Pope doesn't use his
And a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.:
SURNAME.
Teacher:
What part of the man has no bone
But has muscles,
Has lots of veins,
Like pumping,
& Is responsible for making love ?
Boy.:
HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief
And Said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to grade 5,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Nine sayings women use...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a golfing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a golfing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
:-) Read all the way...
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & cold beer
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
birthdays
anniversaries
arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & cold beer
The Philosophy of Sex
<>:<>:<>:<><>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>:<>
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
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