Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... It was salty."
Mom fainted.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
SOME INNOCENT HUMOUR
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.
Some of them are hysterical.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Some of them are hysterical.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
NUDE SUNBATHING
A man was sun bathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were any better looking, it would lift itself."
For the sake of civility and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were any better looking, it would lift itself."
Near death experience.
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Hmmmmmm
Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b****ard!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b****ard!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!
Things that make your scratch your chin and say....hmmmm
� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
� If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
� We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
� War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
� Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
� A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
WRONG ANSWER
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
Sunday, October 17, 2010
THE COWBOY
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
And threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
And threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
THE HEIST
During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt reports to the chief :"Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says: "I told you to cover all exits."
The Sgt replied : "I did, but they got away through the entrance."
The chief, very disappointed, says: "I told you to cover all exits."
The Sgt replied : "I did, but they got away through the entrance."
THE NEW PASTOR
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of... it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of... it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Quick thinking lad
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy
half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he
turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so
he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,"
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are
you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager ," My wife is from New Zealand
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
______________________________________________________________________
half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he
turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so
he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,"
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are
you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager ," My wife is from New Zealand
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
______________________________________________________________________
Why sharks swim around you
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a fishing boat in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the boat.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the boat.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hair On The Chest
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th
anniversary.
"Ha!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the
day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust
her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!"
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued.
"Before we got married, this was your hope chest.
On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest.
Afterwards it became our family chest... and if you don't buy
me a fur coat... it will soon become
*The Community Chest!"
anniversary.
"Ha!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the
day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust
her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!"
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued.
"Before we got married, this was your hope chest.
On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest.
Afterwards it became our family chest... and if you don't buy
me a fur coat... it will soon become
*The Community Chest!"
Training Courses for Women.
Most women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now
available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
My golf passion is destroyed
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
Disappointed I went back into the house, and sneaked back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf. :(
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
Disappointed I went back into the house, and sneaked back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf. :(
Thursday, July 22, 2010
'Best Come Back Line Ever.'*
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
LUBRICANT
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He
brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a
little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just
had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then
the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor
then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!!
She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then
the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said
to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You
never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home
with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you
remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1
Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you,
......it's a dam good ting we didn't use WD-40.
brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a
little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just
had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then
the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !' The doctor
then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!!
She is a pretty lil ting, too....' Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then
the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' Murphy said
to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You
never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home
with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you
remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1
Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...' Murph said, 'I'll tell you,
......it's a dam good ting we didn't use WD-40.
MALE-or-FEMALE
A SPANISH Teacher was
explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is
feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What
gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be
a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer'
should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest
mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you
make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
(THIS GETS
BETTER!)
The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'),
because:
1. In
order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;
2. They
have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
3. They
are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to
one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.
explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are
designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is
feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is
masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What
gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be
a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer'
should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),
because:
1. No one but their
creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest
mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you
make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.
(THIS GETS
BETTER!)
The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'),
because:
1. In
order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;
2. They
have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
3. They
are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to
one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could
have gotten a better model.
Alcohol-Bad for the legs!
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who is sitting by herself.
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread’
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread’
The Female brain thinks differently
Last night Harry and wife were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, they talked about the idea of living or dying.
He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'. . .
His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him.....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whisky, rum, gin, vodka and the beer in the fridge...
He ALMOST DIED!!
The 2 moral of this story
1.. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's
He said to her: Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'. . .
His wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards him.....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all his whisky, rum, gin, vodka and the beer in the fridge...
He ALMOST DIED!!
The 2 moral of this story
1.. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's
Sunday, July 11, 2010
'Best Come Back Line Ever.'*
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said....
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
Monday, June 14, 2010
5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and
puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape
and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that
he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous
program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and
puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape
and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that
he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous
program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Short story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
As per the instructions, the story had to contain the following 3 topics;
1 Sexuality
2 Religion
3 Mystery.
This is the only story that received an A+;
My God I am pregnant, I wonder who did it?
As per the instructions, the story had to contain the following 3 topics;
1 Sexuality
2 Religion
3 Mystery.
This is the only story that received an A+;
My God I am pregnant, I wonder who did it?
Update on Cinderella
cid:005f01c96cd9$b5024e20$0201a8c0@clarice
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
cid:006101c96cd9$b5024e20$0201a8c0@clarice
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
cid:006101c96cd9$b5024e20$0201a8c0@clarice
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
Tatooed rugby player
A very tall
man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes
him as real Rugby
player.
They start
to talk, and eventually go back to his
place.
They start to kiss, and the
man takes off his
shirt.
On his arm,
he has a tattoo that says
REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady
questions.
"Oh, I have this so that
when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo,
and Reebok pays me."
Then the man
takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he
has a tattoo that says
NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady
questions again.
"Just like the
Reebok tattoo, I get paid by Nike when this
tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man
drops his underwear and on his penis he has
a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady
screams: "Don't tell me you have
AIDS!"
The man
replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down, it
will say ADIDAS in a minute when you drop your
panties!!!"
man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes
him as real Rugby
player.
They start
to talk, and eventually go back to his
place.
They start to kiss, and the
man takes off his
shirt.
On his arm,
he has a tattoo that says
REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady
questions.
"Oh, I have this so that
when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo,
and Reebok pays me."
Then the man
takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he
has a tattoo that says
NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady
questions again.
"Just like the
Reebok tattoo, I get paid by Nike when this
tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man
drops his underwear and on his penis he has
a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady
screams: "Don't tell me you have
AIDS!"
The man
replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down, it
will say ADIDAS in a minute when you drop your
panties!!!"
Monday-Through-Sunday
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Politically Correct
A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"
Top nine sports gaffes
Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregori Eva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up
and it was amazing.'
Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted
her mother.'
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that
serious.'
Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again.'
Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all
over their faces.'
At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the
British crew.'
Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field.'
Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?'.....Ed
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up
and it was amazing.'
Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted
her mother.'
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that
serious.'
Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again.'
Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all
over their faces.'
At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the
British crew.'
Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field.'
Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?'.....Ed
BEARs repeating
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET
.
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET
.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
THIS IS A NON PARTISAN POLITICAL JOKE
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am in my mid 50s.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?
'He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
'He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Lil' Johnny
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
Adam & Eve
God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to
Him.Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill.....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else,
God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
Want you to do
Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to
Him.Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill.....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else,
God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Saturday, January 30, 2010
A few smiles
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.
Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!
Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!
Men play the game. Women know the score..
Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?
Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
Here is the definition of divorce... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!
Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.
Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!
Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!
Men play the game. Women know the score..
Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?
Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
Here is the definition of divorce... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!
A good chuckle from Maxine
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant
flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled, there was popcorn all over the floor and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
11. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point up.
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant
flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled, there was popcorn all over the floor and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
11. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point up.
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but certainly not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but certainly not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
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