An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the
man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do
you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in
my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is
always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a
big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Old retired sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads
for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??
'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.
for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??
'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Pants vs Panties
Neil was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little chat.
He said, 'Neil, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Neil. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Neil took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try
these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Neil said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Neil. She said, 'Here -
you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you
never will.'
little chat.
He said, 'Neil, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here - try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Neil. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Neil took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try
these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Neil said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Neil. She said, 'Here -
you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you
never will.'
86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.. The contact will then be put
on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.. The contact will then be put
on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
OOPs
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? ' From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Fred's Surgery
***********
When Fred first noticed his ding a ling was growing larger and staying longer, he was delighted, as was is wife. But after several weeks, it had grown to nearly twenty inches. Fred became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Fred’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Fred be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor.
"Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen his legs AREN'T you?
When Fred first noticed his ding a ling was growing larger and staying longer, he was delighted, as was is wife. But after several weeks, it had grown to nearly twenty inches. Fred became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Fred’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How long will Fred be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor.
"Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen his legs AREN'T you?
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the '60s, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when a patient gets undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the '60s, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when a patient gets undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
I HAVE A QUESTION..
I have a question...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Hollandcalled Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Hollandcalled Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Saturday, October 17, 2009
English Grammar Lesson
On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
But then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
But then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Male or Female?** *
You might not have known this, but a lot of
non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
*FREEZER BAGS**: *
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**:*
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TIRES**: *
*Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS**: *
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.*
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES**: *
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
*TRAINS**: *
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.*
*EGG TIMERS**:
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE****CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would** **be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
You might not have known this, but a lot of
non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
*FREEZER BAGS**: *
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**:*
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TIRES**: *
*Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS**: *
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under their butt.*
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES**: *
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
*TRAINS**: *
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.*
*EGG TIMERS**:
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE****CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would** **be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
Good dog story
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
Lovers' Lane
A Texas police officer was patrolling very late at night, in a well-known Lovers' Lane spot. He noticed a couple in a car, with the interior light glowing brightly.
The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a beautiful very well built young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window: 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop asked: 'What are you doing?'
The young man answered: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat, the cop asked: 'And her? What is she doing?'
The young man shrugged his shoulders: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night in a Lovers' Lane; and nothing is happening?
The cop asked: 'What's your age young man?'
The young man answered: 'I'm 22, sir.'
Then the cop asked: 'And her? What's her age?'
The young man looked at his watch and replied: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes and 39 seconds, sir.'
The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a beautiful very well built young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window: 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop asked: 'What are you doing?'
The young man answered: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat, the cop asked: 'And her? What is she doing?'
The young man shrugged his shoulders: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night in a Lovers' Lane; and nothing is happening?
The cop asked: 'What's your age young man?'
The young man answered: 'I'm 22, sir.'
Then the cop asked: 'And her? What's her age?'
The young man looked at his watch and replied: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes and 39 seconds, sir.'
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Marriage humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Friday, August 28, 2009
Little Johnny
Teacher:
If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2
rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher:
No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2
rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher:
Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples,
and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and
another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven!
Teacher:
Where the hell do you get seven from you stupid little boy?
Johnny:
Because I've already got 1 rabbit at home.
If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2
rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher:
No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2
rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher:
Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples,
and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Six.
Teacher:
Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and
another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?
Johnny:
Seven!
Teacher:
Where the hell do you get seven from you stupid little boy?
Johnny:
Because I've already got 1 rabbit at home.
A modern day cowboy
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object
sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..
You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm
not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
***********************************************
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to
be a string attached.
Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object
sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..
You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm
not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
***********************************************
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to
be a string attached.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2009
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day, teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 :
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day, teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 :
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Ya think she is sending a message??
By all Means... MARRY!
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a
philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
MiltonBerle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a
philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
MiltonBerle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Mens Rules
We always hear " the Rules " from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other < /SPAN>way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will b e scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other < /SPAN>way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will b e scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
SMART ARSE ANSWERS ~2008~
* 6th Place *
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
* 5th Place *
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
* 4th Place *
A lady was picking through the frozen chooks at Woolies but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
* 3rd Place *
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
* 2nd Place goes to Truckie Glenn Moynihan !!*
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
*_SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008_*
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' !!
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
* 5th Place *
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
* 4th Place *
A lady was picking through the frozen chooks at Woolies but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
* 3rd Place *
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
* 2nd Place goes to Truckie Glenn Moynihan !!*
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
*_SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008_*
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' !!
THE 11'th HUSBAND
the 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Friday, March 20, 2009
No Sex Tonight
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement..
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement..
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Loving Wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
JUDGING A CURRY CONTEST
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s#@t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
When they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p@##$d
from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really p@##$s me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to s@#t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that
I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s#@t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
When they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p@##$d
from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really p@##$s me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to s@#t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that
I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report
A Chicago Hospital
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff ca ressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff ca ressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Southern accents y'all!!
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry ?' the others asked..
' Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired..
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry !'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it..
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry ?' the others asked..
' Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired..
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry !'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it..
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
The financial crisis explained in simple terms
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.
Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern because he has the promissory notes of Heidi's customers as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then sold and traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank, (subsequently fired due his negativity), decided that the time has come to start demanding payment from Heidi for the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
Unfortunately Heidi's customers cannot pay back any of their debts to Heidi.
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by only 80%.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment terms and also having invested in the securities are faced with a new and desperate situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. They came up with a miraculous rescue plan that saved the bank.
The funds required for this massive rescue are obtained by levying a new tax on all the non-drinkers.
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.
Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern because he has the promissory notes of Heidi's customers as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then sold and traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank, (subsequently fired due his negativity), decided that the time has come to start demanding payment from Heidi for the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
Unfortunately Heidi's customers cannot pay back any of their debts to Heidi.
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by only 80%.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment terms and also having invested in the securities are faced with a new and desperate situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. They came up with a miraculous rescue plan that saved the bank.
The funds required for this massive rescue are obtained by levying a new tax on all the non-drinkers.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Penis Study
The Penis Study
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Some of the boys, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Some of the boys, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Confession and penance
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman.
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment, ran his hands over the box and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
"I almost had an affair with another woman.
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment, ran his hands over the box and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Lemon Juice
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said,
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said,
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know any thing else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shithead...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know any thing else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shithead...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
The Motorcycle Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmm, you may have some good points there,'replied God,'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmm, you may have some good points there,'replied God,'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Seven Kinds Of Sex ...
The 1st kind of sex is called .....Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until
you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say .. 'Fuck You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife
any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ....
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until
you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so
needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say .. 'Fuck You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,
Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife
any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ....
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
The Monkey & The Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuck.......how much water did you drink
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuck.......how much water did you drink
Best little convent in Texas
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man to knock on
this door. He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs him to place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. He
gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone with a small sign next to the door
reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man to knock on
this door. He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs him to place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway. He
gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
NEW OFFICE POLICY
EFFECTIVE 1 st of Jan 2009
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
The Organist
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing
to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
Fortitude Valley a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent the spread of disease . and you know...................
I haven't had a cold all winter."
married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing
to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
Fortitude Valley a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent the spread of disease . and you know...................
I haven't had a cold all winter."
Lil' Johnny
Lil' Johnny and Jenny
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith..
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month and that should
do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that
Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."
Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith..
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month and that should
do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that
Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."
Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Cyber sex?
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
10 great comebacks for women
Thought these might come in handy one day!!
WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HIM: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice .
HIM: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HER: I must've been given your share.
HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.
ER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
HER: Okay, get out.
HIM: I think I could make you very happy.
HER: Why? Are you leaving?
HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HIM: Can I have your name?
HER: Why? Don't you already have one?
HIM: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Hiding from you.
HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HIM: Is this seat empty?
HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
HIM: So, what do you do for a living?
HER: I'm a female impersonator.
HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?
HER: Do not enter.
HIM: Your body is like a temple.
HER: Sorry, there are no services today .
HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HIM: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice .
HIM: How did you get to be so beautiful?
HER: I must've been given your share.
HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.
ER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
HER: Okay, get out.
HIM: I think I could make you very happy.
HER: Why? Are you leaving?
HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HIM: Can I have your name?
HER: Why? Don't you already have one?
HIM: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Hiding from you.
HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HIM: Is this seat empty?
HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
HIM: So, what do you do for a living?
HER: I'm a female impersonator.
HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?
HER: Do not enter.
HIM: Your body is like a temple.
HER: Sorry, there are no services today .
HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HIM: Where have you been all my life?
HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude
and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my
fault."
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude
and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my
fault."
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took
the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted
out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United
States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have
also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took
the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted
out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United
States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have
also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,! calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.!
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady..
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,! calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.!
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady..
Wish I was 8
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide,
* The Wall of Fear,
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* Every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink,
and her favourite lollies and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*#?*n twit!"
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide,
* The Wall of Fear,
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* Every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink,
and her favourite lollies and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*#?*n twit!"
Great Hearted Husband
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in
their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?
How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother
of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,
at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest."
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home
this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed
up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;
the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a
shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since
she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't
wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my
sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door.When we got to the door she
turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,
she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?
How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother
of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,
at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest."
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.
But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home
this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.
With great compassion I brought her home and warmed
up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;
the poor thing practically devoured them."
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a
shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were
dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since
she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't
wear because I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my
sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I
walked her to the door.When we got to the door she
turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes,
she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
His & Her diaries
HER DIARY
"Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and seemed absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster."
HIS DIARY
"I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid."
"Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and seemed absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster."
HIS DIARY
"I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid."
An oldie, but worth another read..
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
The Winnipeg Brothel
Aunt Mabel opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir,Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No.I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then,Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour,the man calmly left .
The next night,the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session,Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Westbank, B.C."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Westbank,
B.C."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!!
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir,Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No.I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then,Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour,the man calmly left .
The next night,the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session,Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Westbank, B.C."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Westbank,
B.C."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!!
Golf can be dangerous
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Things to ponder
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Things you'd like to say at work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
35. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
35. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
TRUE FRIENDSHIP
Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Remember........A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Remember........A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
New son-in-law
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to
the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to
the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
The old country preacher
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was
getting time the boy should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table three objects: a
Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher
said to himself,
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible,
he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,
he's going to be a businessman, and that would be
okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going
to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and
headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Republican!"
getting time the boy should give some thought to
choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table three objects: a
Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher
said to himself,
"and when he comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible,
he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,
he's going to be a businessman, and that would be
okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going
to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and
headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his
pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Republican!"
Lil' Johnny
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The
Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go
think about this and see&nb sp;if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room
only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The
Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go
think about this and see&nb sp;if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room
only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
MOZART BEYOND THE GRAVE
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Current financial crises
Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.!
Yours Sincerely,
MANAGEMENT
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.!
Yours Sincerely,
MANAGEMENT
"The Rules " from the Mans point of view
These are our rules!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way
11. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials….
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
23. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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